I have been having these weird dreams for a while. In these dreams I am always wearing the highest of heels and beautiful strapless ballgowns. In one scenario I was at some sort of coronation and in another I was at some sort of dance. I feel so beautiful and free and like all eyes are on me. Who wouldn't love that? Of course this attention loving bitch does!
I have never been able to wear high heels they always made me step weird and killed my feet. In fact, I always wondered if heels killed skinny people's feet too or if it was just fat people. I remember at my wedding and 4 months pregnant and having to wear heels and I was dying and they weren't even that high!
And even on the chance that I do reach my goal and could painlessly wear heels I can't because I have to wear a brace on my left foot from my accident. Well I could but then I would have to make sure I wasn't tripping over my own foot all night.
Friday, June 11, 2010
the starting of the journey
so I promised my friend I would start a food blog, but I have an idea this will end up being more than just a food journal. Not too long ago she started her food blog and was painfully honest in her postings and feelings so I will try to do the same.
Food has been my best friend and enemy for as long as I can remember, my nemesis if you will. It has been my comforter in times of trouble and kept me company when I had no others. Food never judged me, it never hurt me, and it never ever left me. Food has protected me uncomfortable feelings.
There are so many things that happened to me when I was young, some I can talk about and some I can't. I grew up so very angry, so angry that no one really wanted to be around me, which of course made me angrier. I wanted so much to fit in anywhere I could. I was so insecure. I wish there had been someone to tell me "it doesn't last forever". I was compared to my sister who was naturally thin. Somehow I got it in my head that I would never be happy unless I was skinny. This set me up for an adolescence of being pretty miserable.
I was adopted when I was 1 1/2 from an orphanage overseas. I didn't have a weight problem til about 5th grade. I do think some of my food issues stem from being in the orphanage and there not being enough to eat.
Food in the house through my school years was pretty restricted. My parents never bought soda, it wasn't allowed except for my mom. I can remember being so excited when we would have field trips at school because my parents would bring home one soda for me to take in my sack lunch. There was never any candy except for the holidays. We did eat out sometimes but it was never fast food. I can remember getting in trouble when I was in elementary school because I was sneaking treats from my babysitters house. I always had a fear of not having enough to eat. When we had pizza parties at school I would pile pizza on my plate because I was afraid I would still be hungry and there wouldn't be any left.
So I am guilty. I am guilty of being a food hoarder. I am guilty of being an over eater. I am guilty of not eating all day long and then when I finally DO eat I gorge myself. Guilt guilty guilty. I will be real with you, at my worst gorging I could eat a 20 piece chicken nugget value meal with large fries and a large drink from McDonald's. I could probably eat a good 6-7 Taco Supremes from Taco Bell. I could eat half a medium pizza. I have always had problems controlling my portions. I have always had problems eating more than 1 meal a day. I have always had problems stopping when I am full.
I tried quick weight loss centers but the program was so expensive I couldn't afford to keep going. I tried overeaters anonymous but the meetings were full of old people and I was only 14 at the time. I thought about having gastric bypass but then I thought to myself that if I don't learn how to stop eating and control my portions I am just going to gain the weight back. I eat way past the point of full so only being able to eat an oz. won't matter because I will still continue to eat even if I am full.
My twenties were probably the best years of my life. I was happy, I was free, I was seemingly successful, and I was starting to love myself and my body. I was finally learning to be comfortable in my own skin without needing to be skinny. I wasn't as large as I am now. In 2002 I finally decided to start trying to lose weight for real. I started working out at the gym and doing a low carb diet. I lost 60 lbs. I almost got below 200 and then I hit a plateau. I met my now ex husband in 2003 and got reallllllllllllly comfortable. He loved my body and never complained or suggested I needed to lose weight. What do overweight people want more than anything? To be loved and accepted the way we are. We get married and we get pregnant. That led me on a downward spiral.
When I was pregnant I gained an obscene amount of weight. I did what one should never do, I overindulged. So being a new mom and a newlywed I lost myself and became a wife and mother and neglected myself.
Fast forward to 2007. I was at work and I messed up my leg royally to the point where I cannot stand for periods longer than 5 minutes or walk any long distance. Not being able to ambulate easily has caused me to gain even more weight, at least 15 lbs in the past 3 years.
So here I am now. I am going to give it another go. This time I will learn to eat regularly through the day and learn how to control my portions and stop eating when I feel full.
Food has been my best friend and enemy for as long as I can remember, my nemesis if you will. It has been my comforter in times of trouble and kept me company when I had no others. Food never judged me, it never hurt me, and it never ever left me. Food has protected me uncomfortable feelings.
There are so many things that happened to me when I was young, some I can talk about and some I can't. I grew up so very angry, so angry that no one really wanted to be around me, which of course made me angrier. I wanted so much to fit in anywhere I could. I was so insecure. I wish there had been someone to tell me "it doesn't last forever". I was compared to my sister who was naturally thin. Somehow I got it in my head that I would never be happy unless I was skinny. This set me up for an adolescence of being pretty miserable.
I was adopted when I was 1 1/2 from an orphanage overseas. I didn't have a weight problem til about 5th grade. I do think some of my food issues stem from being in the orphanage and there not being enough to eat.
Food in the house through my school years was pretty restricted. My parents never bought soda, it wasn't allowed except for my mom. I can remember being so excited when we would have field trips at school because my parents would bring home one soda for me to take in my sack lunch. There was never any candy except for the holidays. We did eat out sometimes but it was never fast food. I can remember getting in trouble when I was in elementary school because I was sneaking treats from my babysitters house. I always had a fear of not having enough to eat. When we had pizza parties at school I would pile pizza on my plate because I was afraid I would still be hungry and there wouldn't be any left.
So I am guilty. I am guilty of being a food hoarder. I am guilty of being an over eater. I am guilty of not eating all day long and then when I finally DO eat I gorge myself. Guilt guilty guilty. I will be real with you, at my worst gorging I could eat a 20 piece chicken nugget value meal with large fries and a large drink from McDonald's. I could probably eat a good 6-7 Taco Supremes from Taco Bell. I could eat half a medium pizza. I have always had problems controlling my portions. I have always had problems eating more than 1 meal a day. I have always had problems stopping when I am full.
I tried quick weight loss centers but the program was so expensive I couldn't afford to keep going. I tried overeaters anonymous but the meetings were full of old people and I was only 14 at the time. I thought about having gastric bypass but then I thought to myself that if I don't learn how to stop eating and control my portions I am just going to gain the weight back. I eat way past the point of full so only being able to eat an oz. won't matter because I will still continue to eat even if I am full.
My twenties were probably the best years of my life. I was happy, I was free, I was seemingly successful, and I was starting to love myself and my body. I was finally learning to be comfortable in my own skin without needing to be skinny. I wasn't as large as I am now. In 2002 I finally decided to start trying to lose weight for real. I started working out at the gym and doing a low carb diet. I lost 60 lbs. I almost got below 200 and then I hit a plateau. I met my now ex husband in 2003 and got reallllllllllllly comfortable. He loved my body and never complained or suggested I needed to lose weight. What do overweight people want more than anything? To be loved and accepted the way we are. We get married and we get pregnant. That led me on a downward spiral.
When I was pregnant I gained an obscene amount of weight. I did what one should never do, I overindulged. So being a new mom and a newlywed I lost myself and became a wife and mother and neglected myself.
Fast forward to 2007. I was at work and I messed up my leg royally to the point where I cannot stand for periods longer than 5 minutes or walk any long distance. Not being able to ambulate easily has caused me to gain even more weight, at least 15 lbs in the past 3 years.
So here I am now. I am going to give it another go. This time I will learn to eat regularly through the day and learn how to control my portions and stop eating when I feel full.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)